Note To Self.

Stop Being A Sucka. 

Ew.

EL-OHH-VEE-EE

Love.


We all want it.


But what is it exactly?


It's quite indescribable.


And what do you do when that feeling  f a d e s  and love no longer seems like enough?

What do you do when you've reached your breaking point, or as I call it your "breakthrough" point? The time when love isn't enough to keep you near. You just want to get away because you know that it's no longer going to work..

It's never a joyous occasion when someone begins to feel this way. How do you deal with it though? Do you stick it out to keep your partner happy or do you worry about your own well being and end the stagnant affair?

I say end it. Why stay somewhere where you aren't happy? You'll only become more UNhappy the longer you do. T R Y. You can attempt to repair the damage and heal the wounds of love but if that fails, then yes, I say give it up. Boy, I swear love is powerful. We have to be careful who we give it to. Some people will take it from you and not return it, take advantage of the precious feeling you offer them in exchange for nothing but a cold shoulder. Some people will give you the greatest love ever known but still it's not enough to withhold a relationship. Love is a feeling that the even the strongest mind can't control. It makes us all soft and often blind to reality. 

But when love fades? You tend to slip off that cloud you were on and realize clearly, that this may not be the best thing. I say be honest. Nothing less than 100. There's nothing more upsetting than putting on a facade for them pretending that everything is fine. It'll only cause more damage in the end. 

Love is love. I know that no one wants to hear the cliche phrase "I love you but I'm not IN love with you." but sometimes that's just the way it is. And if that person honestly loves you back then they should be willing to accept the change and move on. 

Ughh.

I wish boys still had cooties. 

That way I wouldn't care what they do or say. 


What is a "cootie" anyway?


I never knew.

I just knew that boys had them and they shouldn't touch us girls.


I guess as you get older "cooties" turn to "cuties" and we begin to pursue those once "nasty" boys.


Haha. 

Do Better.

Mothers are mandatory. Fathers are optional. 

Seriously? I'm tripping. I have to be. There is no way in the world that this statement should be acceptable in our world. I know that it's the way things seem to happen but just because it happens often does that mean we should just sit back and allow for that to be the norm?

I recently had a discussion with some people about it and they said that's the way things are and it's expected. That saddens me greatly. I'm a twenty-two year old female who someday wants children. The idea of being a single parent does not sit well with me. Yes, call me crazy but I want a husband before kids. And I want the husband to be there. Not just because he's the father but because he wants to be. Nowadays though, that seems to be a fairy tale. And if you happen to find that then you're considered one of the lucky ones. Bizarre. In my eyes, our world is officially fucked up. And the only hope we have for finding that lifetime partner that everyone deserves is through prayer and faith in God. He'll send us someone. We can't leave it up to our own decisions.. The earth is tainted. People are caught up in the wrong things. Getting into relationships for the size of a chic's ass or the stroke of a man's penis is not ideal. No. 

I guess father's are optional because people never plan to have a child with the person they lay down with. So when the girl finds out she's pregnant, the guy gets the pleasure of deciding if he actually has what it takes to be there for something he helped to create. While the girl has NO choice, because she's the one harboring the child for nine months. And if she chooses to abort, she's looked upon as fast or loose among friends and family. Sad. How much longer will we allow this to go on? Most say the reason this occurs is because  some men don't have a proper  example of a real man due to the absence of their father in the household but when will people stop letting that EXCUSE hold them back? You have to want to do better for yourself. Many women might grow up without the proper love they deserve but vow to not be the same way when they start a family. 

So men, your role as a father is NOT optional. Regardless if the mother is your wife or not. You made a life, take care of him/her. They'll need you more than you think. Even if you're afraid, just take a chance, and just know that that child looks forward to you being there. And if you decide to punk out and runaway, that child will always wonder who you are and how you could have somehow made an impact in their life. 

Tickles My Fancyy.

Idris. 
Have you heard of him? Of course you have, his face has been seen in many movies. He's the heartthrob of many older women [such as my mom]. Hehe. OMG. He's very easy on the eyes. Tall, Dark, & Handsome. The epitome of a Black man. Mmmm. 


Recently I found out that aside from being an actor, he is also a DJ andddd emcee. Do you know how much this tickles my fancy? Probably not. See you don't understand that I'm a musichead. I appreciate this shit so much. But yes, Idris Elba makes music. Hip-Hop beats meshed with his UK accent is beyond sexy. Sheesh. You should definitely give him a listen. DJ Driis.

"It makes my heart flut-er."

Ice Ice Baby.

So today Hondie slid as I turned a corner. But instead of spazzing in fear, I remained calm and kept a straight face. Clap for me. Apparently there's a slight snowstorm occurring as of now and life doesn't stop. Here, you're expected to still get up and go to work as if the grounds are clear. But whatever, this comes with Buffalo so I better get used to it for the next couple months. 

This is what I'm dealing with. How fun.

So, it's 11 [e l e v e n] degrees outside right now. You cannot tell me this is not cuffing weather. Regardless of what I said during the summer months, this is definitely the time to have hot cocoa and someone's arms to keep you warm. I mean unless you're too independent and would just rather bundle up in blankets in front of a space heater. 

Good luck with that.

I'll be in the house unless it's absolutely necessary for me to go somewhere. Such as tomorrow.. I have a follow up interview!!. Wish me luck. =]]]

Coming.

As I told you earlier in my life, I'm in Buffalo, NY now. Me and ATL are on a slight hiatus. I'll be back. 

Some people may never understand my reasons as to why I decided to return to my birthplace. From what they see, Atlanta is the mecca for success. And don't get me wrong, the A is awesome, but I felt like I just needed some time to get away from my normal life. Go to a place familiar to me but also new at the same time. I feel like I can actually focus here. Get to know people who write, make music, all that. Meet new people. & just surround myself around those who understand what I want in life and vice versa. You feel? I hope so. Buffalo does have its downs, but what city doesn't? No place is perfect. And I happen to be optimistic. 

Although I'm pretty sure there are striving artists in any other city or state, I notice that here in the Lo these people are hungry. And a good majority of them actually have talent. Not that "I'm in my homeboy-sister's-cousin basement studio music" I'm talking about music that can be played on radios and banged throughout speakers worldwide. This year a lot of people dropped their mixtapes and/or albums in hopes of people getting a chance to better understand their thoughts. 

I dig it. I already told you that I support independent/unsigned music. Especially if it's real shit. Half of the people out here with a deal are recording wackness anyway. I look forward to what 2011 will reveal in everyone. With all this ambition and dedication, I'm sure that next year will definitely be one for the books without a doubt. 

Shoutouts to:

BMW Entertainment

Jae-Skeese (@jaeskeese716)

F1rst Class

Flagrant City (@Flagrant_City)

WellFed (@WellFedTV)

FMG

Front Street.

You never mean to turn down that road but when you do I guess you begin to realize things about yourself. 

I have a friend. We share a lot of the same interests. He gives great advice. And he has dreads. Hehe. We have only known each other a little over a year but I swear he knows me almost as good or maybe more than I know my own psyche. Sheesh. It's crazy. Most times he's my "goto guy" when another guy has fucked me over. But listen..

He told me today that the theme song to my life should be "My Foolish Heart". It's a ballad by artist Jazmine Sullivan. The title of the song should be self-explanatory but if you need more disposition then I'll tell you. This song is an ode to the women of the world [as myself] who are quick to fall. Quick to let someone in your life hoping that they will become your one&only. Quick to say yes. Quick to put him on a pedestal after only a few sweet words [BBMs & texts in today's world]. I'm putting myself on front street because once he said this and I went and listened to the song, my eyes watered up. Why? Because it made me realize "damn, this sounds just like me." Yes, I have bestowed my heart upon guys who did nothing but toss it away like it was nothing but a worn t-shirt that served no further use in their life. But am I wrong for that? Maybe I'm just naive. He says that I go into each possible relationship expecting the guy to be the "The 1". Silly me. I can't help that I love fast. I try to see the good in people. Is it because my dad was around but he also wasn't? Am I looking for someone to fill that void? Mannnn I don't know. I do know that after listening to that song and realizing that I do indeed have a foolish heart, that things have got to change. A stronger, more patient, and choosy Jasmine will exude in 2011. I promise that.

I Never Understood Atheists.

I Guess This Is Their Way Of Thinking.

Haaaa.

-___-

God DOES exist.

Believe it bitch.

Get It Out.

IDK about you but I do my best writing when my mind is flowing freely. I think as I type. It's the best way to do it. I bet great artists don't ponder on what to illustrate, they just let the paintbrush tell a story. That's what art is to me. Uninhibited thoughts that are expressed through some form of expression other than the obvious.. such as the mouth. Anybody can talk. So get your point across another way. Or at least that's how I feel. 

My.Life.

I don't know about you but I hate job searching. The strenuous questions, repetitive answers... uggh. I just spent the majority of my afternoon online job hunting. I took a long, drawn out, 40 minute questionnaire only to be told upon conclusion that "my personality does not fit the job requirements".... to hell if it doesn't!! That company doesn't deserve me or my personality. Hmph! Companies kill me with these "what would you do in this situation.." type questions as if that is gonna tell you if I'm capable of filling the position. How bout you call me in for an interview and see how my personality wows you then? Grrrrr. I'm venting. Excuse me. But you know what? My Father already has it under control. It's already done in his eyes. And no, I'm not talking about my earthly father silly, the heavenly one.

burrrrr.

Anyhoo, today will indeed be deemed as a chill day. The only thing I'm leaving this house for is food. Greedo numero uno. Don't Judge Me. Buffalo has had the pleasure of gracing the streets with mounds of snow. Like seriously. All White Everything. Just like Jeezy says. Lil Hondie is going through shock. She's never been in such displeasing weather conditions. She's been a trooper though. We've been ripping and running all through these streets the past couple of days. I must admit, this past weekend had to be one of the most exciting and memorable weekends I've experienced this whole year. Bold statement I know, but I mean it. It was sort of a spontaneous type of night. Surprises left & right. 

Cory & the the "Everlasting Henny Fluke"
Let's Have A Toast..

So..
Friday 12.3.10 we celebrated Primm's twentyfourth birthday. [Which is really 12.4] I had no clue how my attendance would in any way add to the fun but I decided to show up anyway. We went to this super bourgeoisie wine bar on Elmwood called The Wine Thief. We sat, laughed, and sipped multiple glasses of wine. Well enough to give me and my low tolerant ass a light buzz. From there we went to have cake, moscato, and special Henny. ^_^ The Henny was indeed smooth, strong as hell, and consumed fast amongst the birthday boy and his host of friends. Can you say wasted? What a small world it is because the place we went to ended up being my cousin's apartment. And all can I say WOW. Her apartment is bee-yoo-tee-ful. When I walked in I instantly felt like I was in East NY.. Somewhere in Brooklyn. It gave me that city feel. It was a high rise, look out the window and all you see is lights, pedestrians, and thousands of cars parked  that let you know that Elmwood is indeed the spot to be on a Friday night. Anyhoo, from there we made our way to the club. Social to be exact. Nicccceee. I was already feeling good once I got in but thanks to two amaretto sours, I was where I needed to be and the music seemed to enter and  take over my body. The people around me seemed obsolete, nonexistent. Primm danced the night away. [thanks to Henny] After the club we ate at Louies.. hot dogs on smash son. Yumm. Fuckin gnarly.  Everyone seemed to have got along well. I felt as if I had known them all my life and that was my first time kicking it with them. You gotta live for nights like those. I yearn for another. 

BTW.

Welcome home to Kev. !!!! Thank God that 90 days was reduced to a much lesser sentence. He's done with all that nonsense now. Time to focus on life and prosper on the many blessings God wishes to place upon his life. Worddddd up. 

+

Hangover. Wish to never endure such. Two days ago I woke up tainted. Stomach felt like it ran to the store and back without me. Madd agitation and uneasy eggs and sausage from the day before. Clearly the SIX shots of rum caught up to me. Ewwww. After throwing up what felt like the past two week's meals, I vowed to never treat my body that way again. I will at least eat a full meal before picking up a shot glass of any sort.

Trust.

=]

Rejection.

It happens throughout life. Yet every time it occurs it feels like the very first time. Whether it's rejection from a job you were hoping for, a friend who treated you wrong, or a love interest that somehow turned you away, it hurts. Rejection is like a bee sting. The pain lingers and then it goes away as if it never happened. How do you deal with it? Do you brush it off, wait, and remain optimistic that the next opportunity will provide better results? 

I've never been a fan of rejection. I never liked to be turned down. If I pursue something I don't expect it to end unless I'm the one breaking it off. The hardest form of rejection has got to involve romance. Finding out that the guy you've had your eye on hasn't been paying you any attention is like that feeling you had as a child when you found out Santa Claus was just a fabricated story to get you into bed early. You're hurt. You feel a void. Something is missing. Things don't feel right anymore. Rejection made me feel like I wasn't worthy. I was not worth that person's time or attention. It's not often that I do choose but when I do I don't expect to be shut down. Maybe I should be more placid to the enemy more known as rejection. Yes, I am awesome but I guess everyone is not meant to believe that. I cannot expect the world to like Jasmine. That's what my problem was. I was not content with that thought. Especially if I'm showing interest, I expect the same interest to be returned. Shakin My Head. Crazy I know, but hey that's just how I've always been. As I get older though I am realizing that rejection is just a part of life. Where would the world be if all we got were " yes this.. yes that.."? We'd be spoiled brats. Not knowing what it's like to be told NO. The world would be too bizarre. And being that it's already crazy enough, I actually thank God for rejection. 

Rejection now just means that there's something better in store. Have you ever thought about a past flame that didn't work out? At the moment you feel like you'll never be able to move on, there's no one better for you.. what's next?? But then as time progresses & your bruised heart heals, you learn that there was areason why they didn't make it to your future. Andddd, you move on. Excited for the next who will come into your life. I'm so thankful for resiliency. If it never existed my heart probably wouldn't either. It would be left in my past, on the doorsteps of many failed romances I indulged in. But I bounced back. And for that I'[m happy. Because now I have a chance of offering someone a genuine piece of Me. 

So the next time you experience rejection from someone just know that the best is yet to come. They didn't deserve you anyway.

Note To Self.

"Don't 

Let 
Your

Attraction
Become 

Your 

Distraction 

From 

Your 

Destiny."

Jasmine.

random candid of I. 

McDreamy.

I had to post this picture.

When I came across it I had to save it.

Seriously, this photo is the visual to the dream I've had about meeting my soulmate.

Don't Judge Me.

See, I always thought I'd be living in New York City.. Brooklyn preferably.

 Random day of shopping. 

Buying things here&there.

I'd go to a record store. One stocked with many old classic hip-hop albums.

Big Daddy Kane, EPMD, Rakim. Run DMC.

And as I'd search through the albums I'd look up and see this guy.

Fitted on low, city boy, focused on his music, as I am also.

We'd make eye contact.. Converse, exchange numbers, and fall in love.

You probably think I'm insane.

Na, I'm not.  

You know how some girls envision their prospective proposal ?

I'm doing just that minus the ring. 

Feeling It.

So my friend+associate+acquaintance [@treen_bean] has a blog of her own

 =====> [[yellowchucks.blogspot]]. 

She's one of my favorite writers & I read her stuff all the time. 

Recently she talked about love.

 And it's kinda scary. 

Two people shouldn't be able to feel the same exact way about a situation but look son.

"The only situation in which I allow myself to lose total control is in love and thats only becuz I cant control the control. The control in love is uncontrollable. I know Im in love when I feel my hands slipping off the steering wheel."

That is beyond nuts. Her words fit my thoughts so well I had to quote them.  Shit, I might just favorite it and look at it every time I feel my own hands slipping. Isn't love crazy though? Men and women can agree that love is the one thing that conquers all. Well, that and the almighty. Love will have you blind to the rest of your life. When you're in love no one else's opinion matters. When you're in love the world is a happy place. You see no wrong, because that one person makes you feel all giddy inside. How does that happen though? How do we give someone that much power over us? In my opinion, it happens without us even realizing it. Sweet words, long kisses, & tight hugs bring us closer to losing control and falling. Why is the phrase "FALL in love" anyway? Is it because we become head over heels and lose our balance hoping to be caught in that person's arms? That sounds about right. Fall to be caught and loved forever. Ha. Sounds like a fairytale. But really, real love is worth fighting for. Anyone who knows love knows that it's amazing. No, I'm not referring to that "I-love-you-today-tomorrow-I-can't-stand-you" love. That real deal. That love that loves even after the relationship ends. It's powerful. Slipping off the steering wheel has got to be one of life's greatest feelings. When it comes to love lose control and let go. Treen tore it up with this entry on love. Clap for her.

Sporadic.

Hope you noticed the change. "Leftee Left Me Here" is my new title. "Me" refers to my thoughts, which are being left here on this blog site available for you to read. I love my Nikes but I thought it was time for a slight modification.

So..

Yesterday Ez told me that I am an irrationally-rational thinker. Yeahhh. Straightface. I over analyze just about everything. Why? Sheesh I don't know. I guess it's just me and my mental. I like to think of all possible outcomes before making a decision. "What if this.. What if that?" Is that irrational though or just plain anxiety of making sure I make the right choice? Beats me. I'm trying to improve on myself. But who isn't? Self-improvement is always useful in your life.

Umm..

I'm here in Buffalo yet I haven't been out to party. I mean I was never one to be in the club every weekend anyway but I am itching to taste the Buff City's nightlife. Not to compare it to ATL or anything but just to be out. Party with the girls, few drinks, & good music. Yeah, I'm missing that. CP asked me if I'm "anti-party". How funny. I'm just anti-job at the moment so I'm down right now. But I'll be back on it soon. Watch.

BLACK Friday.

How was dinner? Did you eat? Stuff your belly? Hope so. Yesterday was the only day one could do it and not be looked at as a glutton. Haha. But anyhoo.. It's Black Friday. The day where everyone goes out to malls and other stores to blow their hard earned money on crazy sales all over the city. I can only imagine how many people have spent their rent & mortgage money on laptops, game consoles, and other unnecessary things that were probably only bought because the price was chopped in half. Me? Naaa. I didn't participate in those festivities. For one, I don't believe in waking up early only to be in the store with over 500 individuals who are probably trying to find the same thing as I am. Two, I'm not...wait, the first reason is the main thing holding me back. People take this stuff seriously. Earlier today at Target, a man got trampled on. Like stomped out though. SMH. Sad right? For a flat screen or Xbox360? I'm good. I wanna live. I bet that guy had no clue that he would be ran over by mobs of customers when he left his house this morning. Crazyyyy + sad. 

Pssssh. I'm good on that. 

This "black" Friday has definitely turned into a white Friday for me. It's snowing here in Buff city! I had no clue it was going to rain today yet alone snow. Though I've been in this before, I am in no way ready for it. Grrrrrrr. I need to shop more. I need boots, gloves, hats, and all other essentials for this cold ass season. Man, it's still in the 70s in ATL. I'm so jelly. Ugghh. Whatever though, I'll get used to it. Dress warmer, keep hot chocolate near, and keep him around to keep me warm. Yep, sounds like a plan. =]

11.25.10

Happy Thanksgiving.

Happy Turkey Day.

I hope everyone reading this has a blessed and wonderful day. Enjoy it with ones you love. Although you should be thankful everyday, reserve this day to be Thankful for the things you have in your life. Everyone isn't as fortunate as you.

Here are a couple things I'm thankful for..

• Family. Both sides. They're awesome. Ohhh.. & Love ya Key. <3
• My vehicle. Hondie gets me where I need to be. She's a keeper. [for now]
• Him. He makes me smile daily. A girl needs that. =]
• My Blackberry. Where would I be without BBM???
• Besties. Cherie & Mellz. Everyone should have friends like these gals.
• The gift of writing. Hopefully one day it pays my bills.
• I could go on&on.. I'd be here all day if I sat and counted all my blessings. 

So just be thankful. Enjoy Your Day. Stuff ya bellies. Muahhhhh.

Grrrrrrrr.

Writer's block is the equivalent to an athlete having a handicapped hand, foot, or any part of their body that allows them to be incapable. This shit sucks man. I've been absent for a little over ten days. You'd think my fingers would be itching to tell you everything that's on my mind. But it's not. I'm motivated yet I don't know what to talk about. Crazy. 

Love Life.

Do You Have One?

Do You Want One?

As we breeze through these winter months also known as "cuffin season" I ask myself.. How important is a love life? And I'm not just talking about someone to chill with periodically, I'm talking about someone you can possibly settle down with. It seems nowadays "love lifes" aren't important. well at least my generation. Most people want to live for the moment.. one person one day, another the next. No commitment. Well I don't know about y'all but I'm not for that. It's good to have ONE person to chill with. ONE person to tell all your secrets to. ONE person to be there for you when you need em most. A love life is definitely important to me. I mean what is a life without love anyway? Wiggity wack wack if you ask me.

BACK.

No. Literally. I'm back.. back to focusing on my blog and more importantly I'm back to my hometown Buffalo, New York. After ripping my brain apart for almost three weeks I decided to just take a chance and do it. Packed up all my things, stuffed it in "Hondie" and hit the road... Me and the bestest. Fifteen L O N G hours later.. we arrived. Words couldn't express how excited I was to see that "HWY 33" sign. It meant the end was near. At least the end of that 900+ mile journey. Best believe I'm good for a while when it comes to road trips. I can only take so much. Especially in a cramped Honda. Shit is no fun. 

Anyhoo.. I'm here. And I don't think I'm going anywhere for a while. So for now, Buffalo is home. Time to start working and getting back into school. Time to start networking with people who share the same aspirations about media as I do. I would love to start blogging for different people just to get my name out there. That'll be awesome. I can see it now. Anyhoo.. I'm not gonna go on and ramble about that. Actions speak louder than words right?

I have a feeling that this move will prove to be positive for my life's path. I'm very optimistic and I intend to stay that way. 

B E T T E R.

Can't believe it's thirteen days into November and I've only wrote twice. Don't blame me. Blame my brain for distracting me, keeping me away from the keyboard. Blame my procrastinator tendencies. Everyday I'd get on my laptop and check my email, facebook, twitter, and do everything else but write. Like "yeahh, I'll get to it soon". Horrible right? So don't blame me. It wasn't my fault. I figured I need to get back on it though. Gotta stay in the habit of writing. I mean, this is what I want to do for a living. Why not express it? So here I am, writing without a topic. Freely allowing my fingers to release my thoughts. I really need to stay on point. Friends reminding me that I haven't updated makes me feel super lazy. But hey, it makes me smile to see they care so much. 

Can you believe 2010 is rapidly approaching its cusp? I remember when I was just bringing in the new year with the homies. Making resolutions that weren't even fulfilled come to think of it. I have to get better at those things. *sighs* Next year I'll be 23 years old. To you, that might sound young but to me this means that I need to get on the ball and get my life going. But you know what? I'm not about to sit here and plan every aspect of my life. "By 23 I need a house, new car, good man...BLAH BLAH BLAH." I'm just gonna take it day by day see what God prevails. I mean you have to. Life is often spontaneous and if you sit here and plan out every second of it I guarantee that you will miss the important surprises it offers. Some good, some bad. Whatever, they all make you who you are. 


I anticipate 2011 being a good year. FOCUSED. That's what I'll be beside other things. Forreal. I have to people to notice me. I have to be dedicated and determined. Ohhhh, and definitely happy. Optimistic..glass half full type of shit. I can't deal with the glass being empty. I'm too thirsty for life for that. I need something to drink. Yea so I have high expectations set for myself next year. Sit back and watch it all pan out..

Just Do It.

Trust- n. reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence.

It's something we need in life. 
Yet, you give it to the wrong person and it'll never mean the same to you again. Someone hurts you & it's like they've robbed your right to fully trust another individual the same way.. Ever. Why is trust so important? It gives you the ability to fully open up to someone. No inhibitions. It seems in our world today everyone has been used and has a hard time trusting their mate. They treat you so well.. Yet you think that it'll all change and he'll end up ripping out your heart like the last. I mean, we say that we won't fault our next for the mistakes of our previous but do we really mean it? We try or at least I do. I try to start off with a clean slate. But it seems that I'm expecting him to mess up so I don't fully let him in. That's a f'ed up way to approach anything, especially a new relationship. So I'm changing. No more of that. I'm gonna give full trust in hopes that he won't in any way, shape, or form resemble my past. 

Like Hov says "Show Me What You Got." I mean, that's all I want anyway. The REAL you. Not that "oh-we-just-met-so-imma-impress-her" type of thing. Give me YOU. I never understood that anyway. Two people meet and decide to further get to know one another but all the while they're putting on a front. Telling each other what each one wants to hear and concealing the person they really are until they work their way in. They want to go on dates and talk on the phone all day in the beginning but after 5-6 months it becomes scarce. The attention span has disappeared. And you're left with nothing but questions trying to figure out if this is the beginning of the end.  Naaa, I'm good on that. I'm so over those kinds of relationships and those types of people. It's hard to sometimes tell who's really in it.. The ones who prefer mind sex over physical. But I guess it all comes down to effort. The ones who are there because they WANT to be. Not because of the pure lust and sexual attraction to one another. 

I think it's amazing to find an individual you can vibe with mentally, socially, and physically. Those are the elements of a real relationship in my opinion. Someone you can be 100% comfortable around because they want you for who are. Not just what you look like, how you dress, what car you drive, or any other external feature. Someone who loves your soul. Mmmmm.. Just the thought of it speeds up my heartbeat! I think it is amazing. Sad because so many people out here have been so consumed by what they thought was true love when it really was lust and infatuation. Can you believe that some people even marry for those reasons? Ugggh.. I feel for them. There's nothing like having that actual soul mate. I yearn for him to come and sweep me off my feet. I want a true king who deserves and appreciates a woman as myself. Someone who I can build with.. better yet, we can build up each other. He'll be the missing piece that completes my puzzle in this thing called life.  After enduring heartbreaks, pain, and just unfortunate experiences it will be refreshing to have that one. That one that shuts everything & everyone else down. Gives you butterflies by just looking in his eyes. Ohhkay. Lemme chill, I'm getting all poetic and stuff. Ha. I get mushy sometimes. But seriously, learn to let go and trust. It'll definitely help you more than harm you. Promise. 

War.

12. That's the number of days I've been gone. I know, I know. It wasn't expected.

I had a fight. And no.. this wasn't a physical altercation between me and another individual, this was a fight within own self, my soul. In my mind I had opposing thoughts that would not let me rest. Daily headaches, and all around confusion consumed me and definitely gave me more than a bit of writer's block. From what was such an easy decision 30 days ago turned into one of the toughest, most drawn out decisions I've ever dealt with. I was all set & ready.. no one could nudge my decision to make this big move. I was standing firm. 

But then, as weird as it sounds, 7 days before my departure, I began to think. "Am I moving for the right reasons?" "Is this move for my own wants & needs or is it in God's will?" My mind would not rest. One day I decided I was staying, one day I'm like "naaa, I'm out". Back&forth. And anyone who knows me knew how I felt. I kept getting people's hopes up only to let them down again. On both ends. Shit was killing me on the inside. Then I began to feel that I was only having second thoughts because it was not meant for me to do. But on the other end, I'm telling myself "it's just fear...go." I thought talking to my pastor would provide me with the golden ticket.. letting me know exactly what I should do. I felt a little better at the moment, and was actually content with the thought of staying here and making it work. 

But still.. I get these thoughts. "Mann, I'm punking out on myself..." "JUST GO." "...What's the worst that can happen?" Like I'm cool with ATL and all, but maybe it's the things that I don't have here that I feel I can have there. A job actually worth me waking up to go to because the salary is decent, 100% support from the people who love me, a steady love life with that awesome guy, and just new experiences, new friends. As you read this you can probably tell that yes, the fight has died down but there's still small things I ask myself. I never want to live my life in regret. I do not want to be 30 wishing I would've made another choice at 22. So what I'm gonna do is wait. See what happens here in the next couple weeks.. Most people probably don't even take me serious anymore. I've went so back&forth.. hell I don't even take myself serious right now. But just understand me and realize that this is how I am and how I do things at times. What seems so easy for one person may be difficult as hell for me. I feel like my arms are being pulled in both directions.. people's personal feelings about me moving whether negative or positive have me even more discombobulated than I was with just my own thoughts. Smfh. This is never fun. But is decision making ever really easy? Especially when it comes to a big move such as this...

Yo.Stop.

JUDGMENTAL. 

I think that about sums up the majority of the population in today's world. If not everyone, I sure as hell feel that my generation is. We fault people for things that they have no control over. If someone has big lips or big ears, we are quick to call them out on it if ever an altercation or little fiasco arises. "Shut up ugly!! ...with ya big a** lips!" But when I really sit and think about it how can we do that to people? We were made how we are. We didn't get to chose what features we wanted over others. We didn't have a custom made checklist to decide what to and not to have when we entered this world. God created each & every one of us, despite our flaws and mishaps...and we're ALL special. So nowadays I try my hardest not to judge people on what they look like. Maybe if we were all like that there would be less people spending thousands of dollars on cosmetic surgery trying to alter their external appearance. Now, regardless of what you do look I expect everyone to keep up good hygiene and stylish appearance. Keeping yourself up and looking good can make you feel better about yourself. And being confident in yourself automatically makes you a people magnet. Trust. Do whatever you have to do to be comfortable with yourself. Don't let this judgmental world tear you down. Shit, sometimes I throw on a pair of sexy panties on a regular day just to feel good. Don't judge me. Haha. You gotta do that sometimes. 

F E A R.

This little four letter word can do some serious damage to someone's life if they allow it. Fear can even creep up on you in your elementary days...having you scared to approach that first crush or even sit where you want to in the school cafeteria. Fear is the reason why lots of people are stuck in their mediocre jobs and normal lifestyles. Some people are actually afraid to take that risk because of the idea of failure or rejection. There's been many adults [older than me] that when asked if they are living out their dreams, they've replied no. They're just doing whatever needs to be done to get an income and keep their household in shape. And surprisingly, I somewhat understand it. It's hard to just leap out and do something when you have no clue what the outcome will be. But I also think the feeling of never trying has to feel 10x worse than failing at an attempted goal. I mean in this world today it seems people are forced to go to school, get a job, make money, and somehow forget about their dreams. Naaaaaa. Not me. I refuse to be sitting up in someone's corporate office my whole life rocking business suits and uniform 2inch heels. That was never me & I honestly believe that it will never be. We have to get out here in this world and face our fears. Do not be afraid to fail. Practice makes perfect. 

There's this other "F" word that keeps me going. This word trumps fear, failure and any other word that can prevent one from aspiring to become what they want to be. FAITH. It works too. Faith is confidence or trust that things will work out, regardless of any situation. Faith in God will definitely keep you striving for your goals despite the world's attempt to shut you down and kick your dreams out the window. I think some people are naturally faithful individuals. For me, it took practice. I used to have a hard time understanding how rent would be paid next week when I was $200 short this week. But trust and believe, at the end of the day things work out in your favor and everything will be okay. 

So once again I just want to tell you to chase your dreams. Forget fear, treat it like an unwanted friend and move on without it. Whether it's speaking to that guy/girl you've been admiring for months or years, the career you've wanted since you were a child, or simply sitting with a group of people in the school cafeteria that you've always wanted to converse with. Don't be afraid. This is your life and you only get one to live. So do it...faithfully with your head high. I promise, there will be NO regrets. =]

Tuesday's Thoughts.

I'm what you might call a Twitterhead. [@luckieleftee btw]

Most times, you'll catch me on my blackberry reading my followers funny, intellectual, and sometimes pointless tweets. 

Recently one of my followers posted something that disturbed me. She said that she feels that "black women are the least sought after women amongst any other race." At first, I read it and blew it off, like whatever, that's just her opinion. But then, just to see how much truth that statement actually had I asked one of my male friends [who is black] and he said he agrees. He says that "most black women are crazy and confusing and don't know what they want." 

The perception of black women in today's world is fucked. We seem to be at the very bottom of the totem pole. I mean, even if you look at music videos today, the main girl is mostly always light to white...or spanish. Why are we seen to be such "high maintenance" individuals? Why does it seems we are becoming obsolete to the many other races and/or nationalities when it comes to men's choices? Are we really THAT difficult? I hear so many men out here saying that black women are just too much of a headache. What does that say about us women? Part of me wants to say "NO". Us black women have standards, and under no circumstances should we compromise. I mean, we want what we want, and if it takes being difficult at times, then so be it. But on the other hand, I can also say that [it seems] black women go through the most issues...socially, emotionally, and mentally. So we might be a little bit harder than other women. Either take the challenge or get lost. Idk. I guess it's a debate that can go on forever. I'm gonna do some more research on this topic and continue it at another time because I definitely want a clearer explanation on this.

Umm I have..

78 days.

It's Hovi Baby.

This is my guy.

Like no, really. Shawn Corey Carter, known to the world as Jay-z, is my guy.

He is one of the greatest emcees ever. But I bet you already know that.

He has definitely made his mark in Hip-Hop.

Decoded.

On November 16, Jay-Z will be releasing his first book. It will be titled "Decoded" and is said to be a book of explanations...or for a better word lets just use the title. Jay will be decoding 36 of his own classic tracks. It will provide insight and meaning to some of the greatest songs ever recorded. For fans and all avid lovers of hip-hop, this book will be enlightening while also interesting. I know I cannot wait. This is definitely a must buy. =]

LOVE.

Yo. This writing shit is jive ill. 

I love it. It feels good to be able to vent about whatever enters my mind. & the fact that people actually want to read my thoughts makes me feel even better. It's awesome. I can only imagine how excited someone feels when their first piece of writing is published. That will be an ultimate high for me. More than any blunt can provide. One day son. One day.

I guess since I titled this entry "love" I'll actually write about some things I love...& why [no particular order].

• WRITING. This is self-explanatory. Like seriously.
• MUSIC. Like what in thee hell would my life be without it? It's my oxygen. It keeps me going. Melodic beats and sick lyrics keep me going. Music can turn a bad day good. It can make a good day feel like the best day. Therapy that's what I like to call it. It soothes my soul.
• SNEAKERS. I swear I would be a sneakerhead if my money allowed it. Ha. I gotta thing for Nikes. Dunks, SBs, AirMax. It's crazy...They're super comfy and they complement skinnys and a cardigan really well. Now don't get me wrong, I love my heels. And with my legs, why wouldn't I? But sneakers will forever be my first love. It's too many flavors of kicks for your closet to just be limited to black and white. 
• GUYS. Eye candy. Duhh. Well, they're good to talk to too. Sometimes it's good to get a male's perspective on things. Because from what it seems, guys&gals have totally different outlooks on shit...from who drives better to styles of dress. They also are good at giving affection. =]]]]]] Gotta love em.
• LAUGHS. Anyone who knows me knows I'm a goofball. I laugh all the time...sometimes at the wrong time. Laughter is good for the soul though. Everyone should partake in it at least 25 times a day. Haa.



Small Collection of my VIBE issues.

• VIBE MAGAZINE. It's byfar one of my most favorite periodicals to ever grace newsstands. From day one they've covered the hottest artists of the times, while focusing on fashion, beauty, and straight up raw info on things the community needs to know. VIBE has been like a hip-hop bible to me. My mom stayed with the subscription when I was young so I'd always be in the know. It's absolutely awesome. One day, I'll work for them. MARK MY WORDS.

Listen.

FEMALES. 

We are some of the most distinct and intricate creatures that God had the pleasure of designing. 

Men complain and say that we are nothing but picky and confused [among other adjectives], but what would they do without us? We keep them sane, we keep them looking their best, and overall I believe we are their motivation in life. I mean think about it, they want a nice job to make good money so they can buy the nice clothes, car, home, all things that will enthuse the female into hopefully pursuing them. Men criticize us enough, but they love us all the same.

We are strong. We are resilient. 

I find it funny when guys claim they are "players" because they have had their heartbroken by a girl who they deemed to be special. They shut their feelings out and put up a wall and promise to never let the next one get as close. I laugh because I think about the many women who are wronged by men everyday. We hurt for sometime, cry it out, but eventually we get over it. I know, there's some women out here who are just bitter and will fault every man on the account of one's mistakes. But for the normal ones, we chuck it up and move on, in hopes that the next guy will be our "knight in shining armor". I never try to place my past on my future, somehow it seems like it puts a damper things to come. Optimistic. 

We have it harder than males. 

We're expected to behave a certain way. And if we don't, we're "weird" or UN-ladylike. Psssh. And nowadays with this society it even seems we're expected to look a certain way. Either you're super skinny with a model type physique or you're a centerfold vixen with curves that will kill anyone. There's not much to say for the "in betweens", or the ones who have a lil here&there. It seems that if you don't fit the mold, you grow old...FAST. smh. In my opinion, this definitely puts a strain on female's perspective of themselves. Everyone wants to be looked at as beautiful. And if everyone is constantly judging then how can you feel? I know, most people say "F*ck what people have to say about you" but at the end of the day, you want to be liked by someone right? Now I'm speaking on behalf of us women out here. I have no clue how males and their whole self esteem gauge works. I just feel like women have it harder out here and we are looked at microscopically for everything we do. 

...to be continued.

Funny. One of my homies [www.thisisdope.tumblr.com] touched on a topic so similar to mine that I felt NOW was the time to continue my little rant. He talked about women and their ways and why a lot of them out here are single, bitter, and unhappy. It made me laugh. But then again, I'm like damn. HE'S RIGHT.  -__-

Unrealistic standards are definitely a major factor in why soo many of us girls are a part of "team cold sheets". We CANNOT be expecting the nigga with the best body, flyest car, and Ph.D, while we only have our high school diploma and are shopping at Rainbow. NO m'aam. I never understood that concept. You should want to be on the same level as your mate. If you are not on top of your game why not find someone who is at your level and BUILD with him? Grow TOGETHER...I don't see anything wrong with that at all. Most men [if not ALL] love ambitious females. Women who are out striving to make something of themselves so they don't have to ask anyone for anything. I never understood the breed of women who expect their guy to take care of them. Now don't get me wrong, I do not have a problem with my guy doing things for me, but the problem comes in when you allow him to do everything for you while you sit back and do NOTHING. Newsflash!! Stop looking for these men to be your superhero!! I'll tell you, doing that will only get you where you were before him..ALONE. Idk. Maybe it's the product of nonexistent fathers. Sad, but true.

...& for some I believe they are that way because of what they have witnessed in their household growing up...it is a cycle. If the only thing you have ever heard your mom say about a man is that "niggas aint shit!" then what will you believe? 

Shoutout to all the women in the world who vowed to not let the cycle continue and have decided to turn their negative perspective into a positive outcome.  

I promise ladies, keep building yourself and in time the right guy will come and be all you want him to be. Watch.

<3.