12. That's the number of days I've been gone. I know, I know. It wasn't expected.
I had a fight. And no.. this wasn't a physical altercation between me and another individual, this was a fight within own self, my soul. In my mind I had opposing thoughts that would not let me rest. Daily headaches, and all around confusion consumed me and definitely gave me more than a bit of writer's block. From what was such an easy decision 30 days ago turned into one of the toughest, most drawn out decisions I've ever dealt with. I was all set & ready.. no one could nudge my decision to make this big move. I was standing firm.
But then, as weird as it sounds, 7 days before my departure, I began to think. "Am I moving for the right reasons?" "Is this move for my own wants & needs or is it in God's will?" My mind would not rest. One day I decided I was staying, one day I'm like "naaa, I'm out". Back&forth. And anyone who knows me knew how I felt. I kept getting people's hopes up only to let them down again. On both ends. Shit was killing me on the inside. Then I began to feel that I was only having second thoughts because it was not meant for me to do. But on the other end, I'm telling myself "it's just fear...go." I thought talking to my pastor would provide me with the golden ticket.. letting me know exactly what I should do. I felt a little better at the moment, and was actually content with the thought of staying here and making it work.
But still.. I get these thoughts. "Mann, I'm punking out on myself..." "JUST GO." "...What's the worst that can happen?" Like I'm cool with ATL and all, but maybe it's the things that I don't have here that I feel I can have there. A job actually worth me waking up to go to because the salary is decent, 100% support from the people who love me, a steady love life with that awesome guy, and just new experiences, new friends. As you read this you can probably tell that yes, the fight has died down but there's still small things I ask myself. I never want to live my life in regret. I do not want to be 30 wishing I would've made another choice at 22. So what I'm gonna do is wait. See what happens here in the next couple weeks.. Most people probably don't even take me serious anymore. I've went so back&forth.. hell I don't even take myself serious right now. But just understand me and realize that this is how I am and how I do things at times. What seems so easy for one person may be difficult as hell for me. I feel like my arms are being pulled in both directions.. people's personal feelings about me moving whether negative or positive have me even more discombobulated than I was with just my own thoughts. Smfh. This is never fun. But is decision making ever really easy? Especially when it comes to a big move such as this...