Note To Self.

Stop Being A Sucka. 

Ew.

EL-OHH-VEE-EE

Love.


We all want it.


But what is it exactly?


It's quite indescribable.


And what do you do when that feeling  f a d e s  and love no longer seems like enough?

What do you do when you've reached your breaking point, or as I call it your "breakthrough" point? The time when love isn't enough to keep you near. You just want to get away because you know that it's no longer going to work..

It's never a joyous occasion when someone begins to feel this way. How do you deal with it though? Do you stick it out to keep your partner happy or do you worry about your own well being and end the stagnant affair?

I say end it. Why stay somewhere where you aren't happy? You'll only become more UNhappy the longer you do. T R Y. You can attempt to repair the damage and heal the wounds of love but if that fails, then yes, I say give it up. Boy, I swear love is powerful. We have to be careful who we give it to. Some people will take it from you and not return it, take advantage of the precious feeling you offer them in exchange for nothing but a cold shoulder. Some people will give you the greatest love ever known but still it's not enough to withhold a relationship. Love is a feeling that the even the strongest mind can't control. It makes us all soft and often blind to reality. 

But when love fades? You tend to slip off that cloud you were on and realize clearly, that this may not be the best thing. I say be honest. Nothing less than 100. There's nothing more upsetting than putting on a facade for them pretending that everything is fine. It'll only cause more damage in the end. 

Love is love. I know that no one wants to hear the cliche phrase "I love you but I'm not IN love with you." but sometimes that's just the way it is. And if that person honestly loves you back then they should be willing to accept the change and move on. 

Ughh.

I wish boys still had cooties. 

That way I wouldn't care what they do or say. 


What is a "cootie" anyway?


I never knew.

I just knew that boys had them and they shouldn't touch us girls.


I guess as you get older "cooties" turn to "cuties" and we begin to pursue those once "nasty" boys.


Haha. 

Do Better.

Mothers are mandatory. Fathers are optional. 

Seriously? I'm tripping. I have to be. There is no way in the world that this statement should be acceptable in our world. I know that it's the way things seem to happen but just because it happens often does that mean we should just sit back and allow for that to be the norm?

I recently had a discussion with some people about it and they said that's the way things are and it's expected. That saddens me greatly. I'm a twenty-two year old female who someday wants children. The idea of being a single parent does not sit well with me. Yes, call me crazy but I want a husband before kids. And I want the husband to be there. Not just because he's the father but because he wants to be. Nowadays though, that seems to be a fairy tale. And if you happen to find that then you're considered one of the lucky ones. Bizarre. In my eyes, our world is officially fucked up. And the only hope we have for finding that lifetime partner that everyone deserves is through prayer and faith in God. He'll send us someone. We can't leave it up to our own decisions.. The earth is tainted. People are caught up in the wrong things. Getting into relationships for the size of a chic's ass or the stroke of a man's penis is not ideal. No. 

I guess father's are optional because people never plan to have a child with the person they lay down with. So when the girl finds out she's pregnant, the guy gets the pleasure of deciding if he actually has what it takes to be there for something he helped to create. While the girl has NO choice, because she's the one harboring the child for nine months. And if she chooses to abort, she's looked upon as fast or loose among friends and family. Sad. How much longer will we allow this to go on? Most say the reason this occurs is because  some men don't have a proper  example of a real man due to the absence of their father in the household but when will people stop letting that EXCUSE hold them back? You have to want to do better for yourself. Many women might grow up without the proper love they deserve but vow to not be the same way when they start a family. 

So men, your role as a father is NOT optional. Regardless if the mother is your wife or not. You made a life, take care of him/her. They'll need you more than you think. Even if you're afraid, just take a chance, and just know that that child looks forward to you being there. And if you decide to punk out and runaway, that child will always wonder who you are and how you could have somehow made an impact in their life. 

Tickles My Fancyy.

Idris. 
Have you heard of him? Of course you have, his face has been seen in many movies. He's the heartthrob of many older women [such as my mom]. Hehe. OMG. He's very easy on the eyes. Tall, Dark, & Handsome. The epitome of a Black man. Mmmm. 


Recently I found out that aside from being an actor, he is also a DJ andddd emcee. Do you know how much this tickles my fancy? Probably not. See you don't understand that I'm a musichead. I appreciate this shit so much. But yes, Idris Elba makes music. Hip-Hop beats meshed with his UK accent is beyond sexy. Sheesh. You should definitely give him a listen. DJ Driis.

"It makes my heart flut-er."

Ice Ice Baby.

So today Hondie slid as I turned a corner. But instead of spazzing in fear, I remained calm and kept a straight face. Clap for me. Apparently there's a slight snowstorm occurring as of now and life doesn't stop. Here, you're expected to still get up and go to work as if the grounds are clear. But whatever, this comes with Buffalo so I better get used to it for the next couple months. 

This is what I'm dealing with. How fun.

So, it's 11 [e l e v e n] degrees outside right now. You cannot tell me this is not cuffing weather. Regardless of what I said during the summer months, this is definitely the time to have hot cocoa and someone's arms to keep you warm. I mean unless you're too independent and would just rather bundle up in blankets in front of a space heater. 

Good luck with that.

I'll be in the house unless it's absolutely necessary for me to go somewhere. Such as tomorrow.. I have a follow up interview!!. Wish me luck. =]]]

Coming.

As I told you earlier in my life, I'm in Buffalo, NY now. Me and ATL are on a slight hiatus. I'll be back. 

Some people may never understand my reasons as to why I decided to return to my birthplace. From what they see, Atlanta is the mecca for success. And don't get me wrong, the A is awesome, but I felt like I just needed some time to get away from my normal life. Go to a place familiar to me but also new at the same time. I feel like I can actually focus here. Get to know people who write, make music, all that. Meet new people. & just surround myself around those who understand what I want in life and vice versa. You feel? I hope so. Buffalo does have its downs, but what city doesn't? No place is perfect. And I happen to be optimistic. 

Although I'm pretty sure there are striving artists in any other city or state, I notice that here in the Lo these people are hungry. And a good majority of them actually have talent. Not that "I'm in my homeboy-sister's-cousin basement studio music" I'm talking about music that can be played on radios and banged throughout speakers worldwide. This year a lot of people dropped their mixtapes and/or albums in hopes of people getting a chance to better understand their thoughts. 

I dig it. I already told you that I support independent/unsigned music. Especially if it's real shit. Half of the people out here with a deal are recording wackness anyway. I look forward to what 2011 will reveal in everyone. With all this ambition and dedication, I'm sure that next year will definitely be one for the books without a doubt. 

Shoutouts to:

BMW Entertainment

Jae-Skeese (@jaeskeese716)

F1rst Class

Flagrant City (@Flagrant_City)

WellFed (@WellFedTV)

FMG

Front Street.

You never mean to turn down that road but when you do I guess you begin to realize things about yourself. 

I have a friend. We share a lot of the same interests. He gives great advice. And he has dreads. Hehe. We have only known each other a little over a year but I swear he knows me almost as good or maybe more than I know my own psyche. Sheesh. It's crazy. Most times he's my "goto guy" when another guy has fucked me over. But listen..

He told me today that the theme song to my life should be "My Foolish Heart". It's a ballad by artist Jazmine Sullivan. The title of the song should be self-explanatory but if you need more disposition then I'll tell you. This song is an ode to the women of the world [as myself] who are quick to fall. Quick to let someone in your life hoping that they will become your one&only. Quick to say yes. Quick to put him on a pedestal after only a few sweet words [BBMs & texts in today's world]. I'm putting myself on front street because once he said this and I went and listened to the song, my eyes watered up. Why? Because it made me realize "damn, this sounds just like me." Yes, I have bestowed my heart upon guys who did nothing but toss it away like it was nothing but a worn t-shirt that served no further use in their life. But am I wrong for that? Maybe I'm just naive. He says that I go into each possible relationship expecting the guy to be the "The 1". Silly me. I can't help that I love fast. I try to see the good in people. Is it because my dad was around but he also wasn't? Am I looking for someone to fill that void? Mannnn I don't know. I do know that after listening to that song and realizing that I do indeed have a foolish heart, that things have got to change. A stronger, more patient, and choosy Jasmine will exude in 2011. I promise that.

I Never Understood Atheists.

I Guess This Is Their Way Of Thinking.

Haaaa.

-___-

God DOES exist.

Believe it bitch.

Get It Out.

IDK about you but I do my best writing when my mind is flowing freely. I think as I type. It's the best way to do it. I bet great artists don't ponder on what to illustrate, they just let the paintbrush tell a story. That's what art is to me. Uninhibited thoughts that are expressed through some form of expression other than the obvious.. such as the mouth. Anybody can talk. So get your point across another way. Or at least that's how I feel. 

My.Life.

I don't know about you but I hate job searching. The strenuous questions, repetitive answers... uggh. I just spent the majority of my afternoon online job hunting. I took a long, drawn out, 40 minute questionnaire only to be told upon conclusion that "my personality does not fit the job requirements".... to hell if it doesn't!! That company doesn't deserve me or my personality. Hmph! Companies kill me with these "what would you do in this situation.." type questions as if that is gonna tell you if I'm capable of filling the position. How bout you call me in for an interview and see how my personality wows you then? Grrrrr. I'm venting. Excuse me. But you know what? My Father already has it under control. It's already done in his eyes. And no, I'm not talking about my earthly father silly, the heavenly one.

burrrrr.

Anyhoo, today will indeed be deemed as a chill day. The only thing I'm leaving this house for is food. Greedo numero uno. Don't Judge Me. Buffalo has had the pleasure of gracing the streets with mounds of snow. Like seriously. All White Everything. Just like Jeezy says. Lil Hondie is going through shock. She's never been in such displeasing weather conditions. She's been a trooper though. We've been ripping and running all through these streets the past couple of days. I must admit, this past weekend had to be one of the most exciting and memorable weekends I've experienced this whole year. Bold statement I know, but I mean it. It was sort of a spontaneous type of night. Surprises left & right. 

Cory & the the "Everlasting Henny Fluke"
Let's Have A Toast..

So..
Friday 12.3.10 we celebrated Primm's twentyfourth birthday. [Which is really 12.4] I had no clue how my attendance would in any way add to the fun but I decided to show up anyway. We went to this super bourgeoisie wine bar on Elmwood called The Wine Thief. We sat, laughed, and sipped multiple glasses of wine. Well enough to give me and my low tolerant ass a light buzz. From there we went to have cake, moscato, and special Henny. ^_^ The Henny was indeed smooth, strong as hell, and consumed fast amongst the birthday boy and his host of friends. Can you say wasted? What a small world it is because the place we went to ended up being my cousin's apartment. And all can I say WOW. Her apartment is bee-yoo-tee-ful. When I walked in I instantly felt like I was in East NY.. Somewhere in Brooklyn. It gave me that city feel. It was a high rise, look out the window and all you see is lights, pedestrians, and thousands of cars parked  that let you know that Elmwood is indeed the spot to be on a Friday night. Anyhoo, from there we made our way to the club. Social to be exact. Nicccceee. I was already feeling good once I got in but thanks to two amaretto sours, I was where I needed to be and the music seemed to enter and  take over my body. The people around me seemed obsolete, nonexistent. Primm danced the night away. [thanks to Henny] After the club we ate at Louies.. hot dogs on smash son. Yumm. Fuckin gnarly.  Everyone seemed to have got along well. I felt as if I had known them all my life and that was my first time kicking it with them. You gotta live for nights like those. I yearn for another. 

BTW.

Welcome home to Kev. !!!! Thank God that 90 days was reduced to a much lesser sentence. He's done with all that nonsense now. Time to focus on life and prosper on the many blessings God wishes to place upon his life. Worddddd up. 

+

Hangover. Wish to never endure such. Two days ago I woke up tainted. Stomach felt like it ran to the store and back without me. Madd agitation and uneasy eggs and sausage from the day before. Clearly the SIX shots of rum caught up to me. Ewwww. After throwing up what felt like the past two week's meals, I vowed to never treat my body that way again. I will at least eat a full meal before picking up a shot glass of any sort.

Trust.

=]

Rejection.

It happens throughout life. Yet every time it occurs it feels like the very first time. Whether it's rejection from a job you were hoping for, a friend who treated you wrong, or a love interest that somehow turned you away, it hurts. Rejection is like a bee sting. The pain lingers and then it goes away as if it never happened. How do you deal with it? Do you brush it off, wait, and remain optimistic that the next opportunity will provide better results? 

I've never been a fan of rejection. I never liked to be turned down. If I pursue something I don't expect it to end unless I'm the one breaking it off. The hardest form of rejection has got to involve romance. Finding out that the guy you've had your eye on hasn't been paying you any attention is like that feeling you had as a child when you found out Santa Claus was just a fabricated story to get you into bed early. You're hurt. You feel a void. Something is missing. Things don't feel right anymore. Rejection made me feel like I wasn't worthy. I was not worth that person's time or attention. It's not often that I do choose but when I do I don't expect to be shut down. Maybe I should be more placid to the enemy more known as rejection. Yes, I am awesome but I guess everyone is not meant to believe that. I cannot expect the world to like Jasmine. That's what my problem was. I was not content with that thought. Especially if I'm showing interest, I expect the same interest to be returned. Shakin My Head. Crazy I know, but hey that's just how I've always been. As I get older though I am realizing that rejection is just a part of life. Where would the world be if all we got were " yes this.. yes that.."? We'd be spoiled brats. Not knowing what it's like to be told NO. The world would be too bizarre. And being that it's already crazy enough, I actually thank God for rejection. 

Rejection now just means that there's something better in store. Have you ever thought about a past flame that didn't work out? At the moment you feel like you'll never be able to move on, there's no one better for you.. what's next?? But then as time progresses & your bruised heart heals, you learn that there was areason why they didn't make it to your future. Andddd, you move on. Excited for the next who will come into your life. I'm so thankful for resiliency. If it never existed my heart probably wouldn't either. It would be left in my past, on the doorsteps of many failed romances I indulged in. But I bounced back. And for that I'[m happy. Because now I have a chance of offering someone a genuine piece of Me. 

So the next time you experience rejection from someone just know that the best is yet to come. They didn't deserve you anyway.

Note To Self.

"Don't 

Let 
Your

Attraction
Become 

Your 

Distraction 

From 

Your 

Destiny."