Jasmine.

random candid of I. 

McDreamy.

I had to post this picture.

When I came across it I had to save it.

Seriously, this photo is the visual to the dream I've had about meeting my soulmate.

Don't Judge Me.

See, I always thought I'd be living in New York City.. Brooklyn preferably.

 Random day of shopping. 

Buying things here&there.

I'd go to a record store. One stocked with many old classic hip-hop albums.

Big Daddy Kane, EPMD, Rakim. Run DMC.

And as I'd search through the albums I'd look up and see this guy.

Fitted on low, city boy, focused on his music, as I am also.

We'd make eye contact.. Converse, exchange numbers, and fall in love.

You probably think I'm insane.

Na, I'm not.  

You know how some girls envision their prospective proposal ?

I'm doing just that minus the ring. 

Feeling It.

So my friend+associate+acquaintance [@treen_bean] has a blog of her own

 =====> [[yellowchucks.blogspot]]. 

She's one of my favorite writers & I read her stuff all the time. 

Recently she talked about love.

 And it's kinda scary. 

Two people shouldn't be able to feel the same exact way about a situation but look son.

"The only situation in which I allow myself to lose total control is in love and thats only becuz I cant control the control. The control in love is uncontrollable. I know Im in love when I feel my hands slipping off the steering wheel."

That is beyond nuts. Her words fit my thoughts so well I had to quote them.  Shit, I might just favorite it and look at it every time I feel my own hands slipping. Isn't love crazy though? Men and women can agree that love is the one thing that conquers all. Well, that and the almighty. Love will have you blind to the rest of your life. When you're in love no one else's opinion matters. When you're in love the world is a happy place. You see no wrong, because that one person makes you feel all giddy inside. How does that happen though? How do we give someone that much power over us? In my opinion, it happens without us even realizing it. Sweet words, long kisses, & tight hugs bring us closer to losing control and falling. Why is the phrase "FALL in love" anyway? Is it because we become head over heels and lose our balance hoping to be caught in that person's arms? That sounds about right. Fall to be caught and loved forever. Ha. Sounds like a fairytale. But really, real love is worth fighting for. Anyone who knows love knows that it's amazing. No, I'm not referring to that "I-love-you-today-tomorrow-I-can't-stand-you" love. That real deal. That love that loves even after the relationship ends. It's powerful. Slipping off the steering wheel has got to be one of life's greatest feelings. When it comes to love lose control and let go. Treen tore it up with this entry on love. Clap for her.

Sporadic.

Hope you noticed the change. "Leftee Left Me Here" is my new title. "Me" refers to my thoughts, which are being left here on this blog site available for you to read. I love my Nikes but I thought it was time for a slight modification.

So..

Yesterday Ez told me that I am an irrationally-rational thinker. Yeahhh. Straightface. I over analyze just about everything. Why? Sheesh I don't know. I guess it's just me and my mental. I like to think of all possible outcomes before making a decision. "What if this.. What if that?" Is that irrational though or just plain anxiety of making sure I make the right choice? Beats me. I'm trying to improve on myself. But who isn't? Self-improvement is always useful in your life.

Umm..

I'm here in Buffalo yet I haven't been out to party. I mean I was never one to be in the club every weekend anyway but I am itching to taste the Buff City's nightlife. Not to compare it to ATL or anything but just to be out. Party with the girls, few drinks, & good music. Yeah, I'm missing that. CP asked me if I'm "anti-party". How funny. I'm just anti-job at the moment so I'm down right now. But I'll be back on it soon. Watch.

BLACK Friday.

How was dinner? Did you eat? Stuff your belly? Hope so. Yesterday was the only day one could do it and not be looked at as a glutton. Haha. But anyhoo.. It's Black Friday. The day where everyone goes out to malls and other stores to blow their hard earned money on crazy sales all over the city. I can only imagine how many people have spent their rent & mortgage money on laptops, game consoles, and other unnecessary things that were probably only bought because the price was chopped in half. Me? Naaa. I didn't participate in those festivities. For one, I don't believe in waking up early only to be in the store with over 500 individuals who are probably trying to find the same thing as I am. Two, I'm not...wait, the first reason is the main thing holding me back. People take this stuff seriously. Earlier today at Target, a man got trampled on. Like stomped out though. SMH. Sad right? For a flat screen or Xbox360? I'm good. I wanna live. I bet that guy had no clue that he would be ran over by mobs of customers when he left his house this morning. Crazyyyy + sad. 

Pssssh. I'm good on that. 

This "black" Friday has definitely turned into a white Friday for me. It's snowing here in Buff city! I had no clue it was going to rain today yet alone snow. Though I've been in this before, I am in no way ready for it. Grrrrrrr. I need to shop more. I need boots, gloves, hats, and all other essentials for this cold ass season. Man, it's still in the 70s in ATL. I'm so jelly. Ugghh. Whatever though, I'll get used to it. Dress warmer, keep hot chocolate near, and keep him around to keep me warm. Yep, sounds like a plan. =]

11.25.10

Happy Thanksgiving.

Happy Turkey Day.

I hope everyone reading this has a blessed and wonderful day. Enjoy it with ones you love. Although you should be thankful everyday, reserve this day to be Thankful for the things you have in your life. Everyone isn't as fortunate as you.

Here are a couple things I'm thankful for..

• Family. Both sides. They're awesome. Ohhh.. & Love ya Key. <3
• My vehicle. Hondie gets me where I need to be. She's a keeper. [for now]
• Him. He makes me smile daily. A girl needs that. =]
• My Blackberry. Where would I be without BBM???
• Besties. Cherie & Mellz. Everyone should have friends like these gals.
• The gift of writing. Hopefully one day it pays my bills.
• I could go on&on.. I'd be here all day if I sat and counted all my blessings. 

So just be thankful. Enjoy Your Day. Stuff ya bellies. Muahhhhh.

Grrrrrrrr.

Writer's block is the equivalent to an athlete having a handicapped hand, foot, or any part of their body that allows them to be incapable. This shit sucks man. I've been absent for a little over ten days. You'd think my fingers would be itching to tell you everything that's on my mind. But it's not. I'm motivated yet I don't know what to talk about. Crazy. 

Love Life.

Do You Have One?

Do You Want One?

As we breeze through these winter months also known as "cuffin season" I ask myself.. How important is a love life? And I'm not just talking about someone to chill with periodically, I'm talking about someone you can possibly settle down with. It seems nowadays "love lifes" aren't important. well at least my generation. Most people want to live for the moment.. one person one day, another the next. No commitment. Well I don't know about y'all but I'm not for that. It's good to have ONE person to chill with. ONE person to tell all your secrets to. ONE person to be there for you when you need em most. A love life is definitely important to me. I mean what is a life without love anyway? Wiggity wack wack if you ask me.

BACK.

No. Literally. I'm back.. back to focusing on my blog and more importantly I'm back to my hometown Buffalo, New York. After ripping my brain apart for almost three weeks I decided to just take a chance and do it. Packed up all my things, stuffed it in "Hondie" and hit the road... Me and the bestest. Fifteen L O N G hours later.. we arrived. Words couldn't express how excited I was to see that "HWY 33" sign. It meant the end was near. At least the end of that 900+ mile journey. Best believe I'm good for a while when it comes to road trips. I can only take so much. Especially in a cramped Honda. Shit is no fun. 

Anyhoo.. I'm here. And I don't think I'm going anywhere for a while. So for now, Buffalo is home. Time to start working and getting back into school. Time to start networking with people who share the same aspirations about media as I do. I would love to start blogging for different people just to get my name out there. That'll be awesome. I can see it now. Anyhoo.. I'm not gonna go on and ramble about that. Actions speak louder than words right?

I have a feeling that this move will prove to be positive for my life's path. I'm very optimistic and I intend to stay that way. 

B E T T E R.

Can't believe it's thirteen days into November and I've only wrote twice. Don't blame me. Blame my brain for distracting me, keeping me away from the keyboard. Blame my procrastinator tendencies. Everyday I'd get on my laptop and check my email, facebook, twitter, and do everything else but write. Like "yeahh, I'll get to it soon". Horrible right? So don't blame me. It wasn't my fault. I figured I need to get back on it though. Gotta stay in the habit of writing. I mean, this is what I want to do for a living. Why not express it? So here I am, writing without a topic. Freely allowing my fingers to release my thoughts. I really need to stay on point. Friends reminding me that I haven't updated makes me feel super lazy. But hey, it makes me smile to see they care so much. 

Can you believe 2010 is rapidly approaching its cusp? I remember when I was just bringing in the new year with the homies. Making resolutions that weren't even fulfilled come to think of it. I have to get better at those things. *sighs* Next year I'll be 23 years old. To you, that might sound young but to me this means that I need to get on the ball and get my life going. But you know what? I'm not about to sit here and plan every aspect of my life. "By 23 I need a house, new car, good man...BLAH BLAH BLAH." I'm just gonna take it day by day see what God prevails. I mean you have to. Life is often spontaneous and if you sit here and plan out every second of it I guarantee that you will miss the important surprises it offers. Some good, some bad. Whatever, they all make you who you are. 


I anticipate 2011 being a good year. FOCUSED. That's what I'll be beside other things. Forreal. I have to people to notice me. I have to be dedicated and determined. Ohhhh, and definitely happy. Optimistic..glass half full type of shit. I can't deal with the glass being empty. I'm too thirsty for life for that. I need something to drink. Yea so I have high expectations set for myself next year. Sit back and watch it all pan out..

Just Do It.

Trust- n. reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence.

It's something we need in life. 
Yet, you give it to the wrong person and it'll never mean the same to you again. Someone hurts you & it's like they've robbed your right to fully trust another individual the same way.. Ever. Why is trust so important? It gives you the ability to fully open up to someone. No inhibitions. It seems in our world today everyone has been used and has a hard time trusting their mate. They treat you so well.. Yet you think that it'll all change and he'll end up ripping out your heart like the last. I mean, we say that we won't fault our next for the mistakes of our previous but do we really mean it? We try or at least I do. I try to start off with a clean slate. But it seems that I'm expecting him to mess up so I don't fully let him in. That's a f'ed up way to approach anything, especially a new relationship. So I'm changing. No more of that. I'm gonna give full trust in hopes that he won't in any way, shape, or form resemble my past. 

Like Hov says "Show Me What You Got." I mean, that's all I want anyway. The REAL you. Not that "oh-we-just-met-so-imma-impress-her" type of thing. Give me YOU. I never understood that anyway. Two people meet and decide to further get to know one another but all the while they're putting on a front. Telling each other what each one wants to hear and concealing the person they really are until they work their way in. They want to go on dates and talk on the phone all day in the beginning but after 5-6 months it becomes scarce. The attention span has disappeared. And you're left with nothing but questions trying to figure out if this is the beginning of the end.  Naaa, I'm good on that. I'm so over those kinds of relationships and those types of people. It's hard to sometimes tell who's really in it.. The ones who prefer mind sex over physical. But I guess it all comes down to effort. The ones who are there because they WANT to be. Not because of the pure lust and sexual attraction to one another. 

I think it's amazing to find an individual you can vibe with mentally, socially, and physically. Those are the elements of a real relationship in my opinion. Someone you can be 100% comfortable around because they want you for who are. Not just what you look like, how you dress, what car you drive, or any other external feature. Someone who loves your soul. Mmmmm.. Just the thought of it speeds up my heartbeat! I think it is amazing. Sad because so many people out here have been so consumed by what they thought was true love when it really was lust and infatuation. Can you believe that some people even marry for those reasons? Ugggh.. I feel for them. There's nothing like having that actual soul mate. I yearn for him to come and sweep me off my feet. I want a true king who deserves and appreciates a woman as myself. Someone who I can build with.. better yet, we can build up each other. He'll be the missing piece that completes my puzzle in this thing called life.  After enduring heartbreaks, pain, and just unfortunate experiences it will be refreshing to have that one. That one that shuts everything & everyone else down. Gives you butterflies by just looking in his eyes. Ohhkay. Lemme chill, I'm getting all poetic and stuff. Ha. I get mushy sometimes. But seriously, learn to let go and trust. It'll definitely help you more than harm you. Promise. 

War.

12. That's the number of days I've been gone. I know, I know. It wasn't expected.

I had a fight. And no.. this wasn't a physical altercation between me and another individual, this was a fight within own self, my soul. In my mind I had opposing thoughts that would not let me rest. Daily headaches, and all around confusion consumed me and definitely gave me more than a bit of writer's block. From what was such an easy decision 30 days ago turned into one of the toughest, most drawn out decisions I've ever dealt with. I was all set & ready.. no one could nudge my decision to make this big move. I was standing firm. 

But then, as weird as it sounds, 7 days before my departure, I began to think. "Am I moving for the right reasons?" "Is this move for my own wants & needs or is it in God's will?" My mind would not rest. One day I decided I was staying, one day I'm like "naaa, I'm out". Back&forth. And anyone who knows me knew how I felt. I kept getting people's hopes up only to let them down again. On both ends. Shit was killing me on the inside. Then I began to feel that I was only having second thoughts because it was not meant for me to do. But on the other end, I'm telling myself "it's just fear...go." I thought talking to my pastor would provide me with the golden ticket.. letting me know exactly what I should do. I felt a little better at the moment, and was actually content with the thought of staying here and making it work. 

But still.. I get these thoughts. "Mann, I'm punking out on myself..." "JUST GO." "...What's the worst that can happen?" Like I'm cool with ATL and all, but maybe it's the things that I don't have here that I feel I can have there. A job actually worth me waking up to go to because the salary is decent, 100% support from the people who love me, a steady love life with that awesome guy, and just new experiences, new friends. As you read this you can probably tell that yes, the fight has died down but there's still small things I ask myself. I never want to live my life in regret. I do not want to be 30 wishing I would've made another choice at 22. So what I'm gonna do is wait. See what happens here in the next couple weeks.. Most people probably don't even take me serious anymore. I've went so back&forth.. hell I don't even take myself serious right now. But just understand me and realize that this is how I am and how I do things at times. What seems so easy for one person may be difficult as hell for me. I feel like my arms are being pulled in both directions.. people's personal feelings about me moving whether negative or positive have me even more discombobulated than I was with just my own thoughts. Smfh. This is never fun. But is decision making ever really easy? Especially when it comes to a big move such as this...